"What If..."

Today, I'm not reviewing a book.  I've had some thoughts swirling around my head and feel compelled to get them down.  Yesterday I did something that I knew would probably upset me.  I'm still not sure why I did it, but since then, I've had some deep thoughts.

"What If..."  I believe that these can be two dangerous words, especially when it comes to the past.  When I was 14, a friend of mine was raped and murdered.  The circumstances of it were so senseless that I struggled to make sense of it.  Sometimes I still do.  I had lost contact with her, so I almost felt guilty for caring.  She was the sweetest, nicest person I'd ever met.  My first daughter is named after her.

The boy who killed her was a classmate.  The last thing I remembered was that he was to be tried as a juvenile and would, at the most, be sentenced to 10 years.  For years I've believed that he's out on the street while the sweetest person I'd ever met was gone.  I was wrong.

I don't know what prompted me to look up the case on the internet yesterday, but I was shocked at what I saw.  He's still in jail.  Apparently, about a year after the murder, he was tried as an adult and sentenced to 30 years to life.  A woman had come forward and another rape charge was added.  I should have felt satisfaction that he's still incarcerated. Instead, the "what ifs" started to swirl.

What if she had come forward sooner?  Would my friend still be alive?

I know that it's not my place to judge this woman, but I couldn't control the track of my thoughts.  I noticed she was 32.  The boy was probably 14 at the time of the attack, 15 at the time of the murder.  Why didn't this woman come forward sooner?  Does she feel responsible?

Unfortunately, as I look at my life, I see the places where this senseless murder has affected my life.  Now that I'm a mother, I worry for my kids.  My friend was murdered while her mother ran a quick errand.  I made my children go everywhere with me, whether they wanted to or not. They're at the age where they're okay at home alone, but I'm not.  I have a security system and strict instructions about not answering the door.

My mind still slips to "why didn't God save her?"  I won't get a satisfactory answer this side of heaven, but the question haunts me.  I can't see any purpose in her death, but I also can't see His plan.

I wonder, where is my trust?  "Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart..." (Prov 3:5). I admit I'm guilty of holding back a piece of my heart.  My trust ends up being in my security system or my presence in the home.

Understanding that control is an illusion, I still struggle to make sense of it all.  But I can try to change the "what ifs"

What if I turned the health and safety of my children over to God?  He has control anyway, but what if I TRUSTED Him with their health and safety?  What kind of freedom could I experience?

I still struggle with forgiving this man.  He never showed any remorse for his crimes, but I have the greater power.  I know that hating someone is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.  I want to change my "what ifs" from dangerous to liberating.  I know I can't do it without God's help and I know I'll stumble, but I'm ready to try.